Turn to Face the Change

Now I know that this blog is mostly based around my life with my small one and now my added husband, but I need to take a moment to talk about something that has actually held me together during the most trying times of my life. Friends. These are the people that would be there for the most amazing times of your life and to share in the smiles, laughs, and fantastic memories. They are also the ones that will share the deepest, darkest times where you feel that cloud will never move and you feel so soggy that you are permanently wrinkled from the rain and cold. Or that is what I have in my head as what a friend is to me.

I’ve taken to listening to podcasts while I’m working as a bit of a change of pace to music. Believe it or not, I can actually get bored of music(don’t tell my sister, she would freak out, come down, possibly have me hospitalized and worry. But then again….she’d come down…hmmm….LOL). I love the variety that I have found using Spotify. Sorry, not sorry, I am not an Apple drone and so I don’t have iTunes which really bugs the shit out of me because all of the podcasts that want a rating to keep them on the air and on top of the list are on….dun, dun, dun, dun, dun…iTunes!! Regardless, I have found some pretty decent ones that satisfy my creepy, nerdy, off side!  The first one I found was from the site, Minow Beats Whale, http://minnowbeatswhale.com/, the first podcast being The Black Tapes and then I got sucked into Tanis and just recently discovered Rabbits.  Trust me, they know how to do some very interesting and bewitching stories, check them out!!! Another one you must listen to if you love true crime and love comedy, you need to listen to, Small Town Murders Podcast, https://audioboom.com/channel/smalltownmurder. Trust me when I say these two comedians do not make light of what happens to the victims but sure as hell makes fun of the idiot offenders in each story.  You learn a bit about each small town before hearing of the devastating murder that turned the town upside down.

Now we come to the one podcast that is my current love, RuPaul:  What’s The Tee?, http://www.rupaulpodcast.com/.  I just love Ru and always have, used to watch Drag Race all the time but this podcast is done with one of his best friends who happens to not only be in the business as well but Michelle Visage is also a judge on the Race.  I was pleasantly surprised when I stumbled upon this podcast.  It was nice to find something fun, yet informative to listen to to break up some of my rather serious listening.  I know, long way to around to finally get to your point of your entry which is today’s listening, Episode 4:  Creating Your Own Luck, Bowie & Lace Front Wigs.  I was just listening to this episode just as I do with all my podcast, as I’m working on claim denials, resubmissions, reconsiderations, appeals, medical records, etc.  Let’s face it, my job is not glamourous but the fact that I don’t have to be on the phone with anyone other than the occasional insurance company and I can listen to whatever I want, makes for a pretty nice job…sorta…

Listening to this episode was rather fun and interesting as they were talking about the first time they were meeting the stars they were star-struck with like Ru meeting Bowie for the first time!! I would have fan girled it all over the place and died and ran down the street like he did after meeting the amazing Thin White Duke, I mean who wouldn’t??????  For Michelle it was Sean Penn and the story she told just cracked me up on how she had to avoid him!  Classic!!!!  Then of course they were going on about hair and the wigs and such and then they came to a subject that actually hits extremely close to home to me. Friends.

I’m not sure how the subject came about but Michelle was talking about how you usually have that one friend that is your longest or oldest friend that is like your lifeline or your cheerleader.  She was saying there was an incident that was going on with her daughter’s that she was helping them through and basically said that she could be money that the friends that were causing grief, they were not going to be friends with in high school.  It took me a moment to let this sink in.  You know what?  She’s right and in that same breathe she said that she had those best friends in middle school that were just passing friends when high school hit and damn it again she was right!!!  Now the conversation between Ru and Michelle kept going with as you get older how you handle certain situations, such as if you just quit answering the phone the other person should get the hint that the friendship is over or if you key their car or something of the juvenile behaviour, then it would make it clear that the friendship is over.  Michelle said sure but if this person meant anything to you in your life for 5 minutes or 5 years, they deserved better.  They deserved a piece of your time and an understanding as to why there is a distance or a rift in your friendship.  She even said that if it’s easier to put it on yourself, then do that just tell the person that you are going through some things and the energy that is going around between you and the person is not what you need right now as it’s not good and let’s visit this at another time.  Well that has me thinking….what if you can’t put it on yourself because you’ve always put it on yourself or always felt that you had to put it on yourself.  How do you tell those people who really meant and still mean the world to you that you feel that you have had to take the butt-end because you felt it was expected by them?  You felt that you weren’t good enough of a person, a parent, a partner, a friend, so those friends have always trumped what you felt or said and when you have a voice finally, you are looked at as wrong and at fault.  Right now I am really stuck with a situation of missing a friend but not knowing what was said because I strongly believe that what was said that night, would really upset me and hurt me more than just keeping me in the ignorant dark.  By doing this all it has done is cause a strain on so many different friendships, friendships that I relied on and trusted.  I respected all parties that were involved always, however, when I actually added someone who truly has my best interest in mind and heart, it is challenged, questioned, and not accepted or respected.  This has caused an upset I can’t wrap my head around.  Despite what many may think, I am a true Scorpio, but that Virgo rising does not like the confrontation that comes with being a Scorpio.  So how can I confront when I don’t and all I want is the honest truth despite how much it will hurt my feelings or even hurt the actual friendship.  At least it could be resolved and no longer hanging overhead because I know this is not only affecting me.

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