It’s been a bit, huh? Fifteen going on 16 years since you passed. There have been many ups, downs, highs and lows but nothing as low as that night when I received that fateful call from your “widowed” husband. As much as I need to, that night will forever remain burned on the forefront of my memory. I know the resentment I still hold is slowly fading but I hurt everyday, especially now.
Mom, there are so many things that I wanted to say to you that Wednesday night that you and he decided to call me and just expect me to come down to the house. I had honestly had enough of both of y’all’s bullshit that I just didn’t even care what happened next. As the beginning of the end was so close at hand, little did I know how much I was kept in the dark. Neither one of you were honest with me and my brother and as the end was approaching, I began to learn that I was even held in the dark by my brother. My entire family just kept me in the dark and in constant ignorance…..or did I just care not to involve myself any longer because I wanted…I needed to break free??? I did want to break free but there was a shit ton of the “family” I had no idea about, and nor did you.
There may have been a lot of anger growing up and on the flip side there was a lot of great times as well. I remember you teaching me and N about music and dancing around. The family game nights with the radio playing and you and I singing while you and he were teaching us different card games of your day. I always loved just talking with you because you never sweetened anything. You tried to so desperately to help me learn many of the crafty things you used to do and to worn hands, sore throats and a few tears, it was just easier to be your assistant. Man, I envied you terribly with your talent and if you were still with me today I would show you the wonders of local shopping that you would have thoroughly enjoyed.
I know that life was not easy with us kids but it got a helluva lot worse once you left us. N and I barely talk and as for he and I, he is dead to me and I will never let that die. In a blink of an eye and a snap decision on your part, I lost everything. I could be so pissed at you but I honestly understand where you were coming from. I just wished that I had actually gone down to the house that night, maybe you just needed to see there was a reason to be around. Mom, I’m so sorry that I didn’t show you enough that I do love you, I always will and I miss you so damn much!!!! I feel that it’s my fault that I cheated your granddaughter out of meeting you. You would just lover her mom!!! She’s so much like you and I it’s unreal. There are times when she looks at me and I feel that I am looking right in your eyes.
I’m not sure if I have this parenting thing down or not but I have gotten out of my bad habit of not asking for help and I am asking or if I can’t I’ll research and read. Just like me to be the book nerd you always poked fun at. Little did you know that making me write the dictionary as punishment would embed a love of the literary word.
I love you more mom and I will always carry you with me.
Write something to your mom. Give it to her or just put it down to help you know how much you love her.